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Winter Thoughts
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56 comments
I need a good new game to loose myself in. I enjoy playing Skyrim and FO4 still but having done them so much it doesn't completely absorb my attention like it did when it was newer and fresh. If I could get into writing again, or learn scripting to make some mods, or make a new ENB preset, that would help but I can't seem to find the energy/motivation. I need just enough to get me started but for now I have to wait until it hits. Maybe I will do a story over break.
In a way I'm able to feel with you. My sister committed suicide due to bipolar disorder. She was only 20 then.
For me gaming is momentary something that sidetracks me from my health problems but the only char who resembled more or less my own personality (or lets say my wish-personality) was the 1 one. She has her own story I wrote over more than two years.
Surprises me, in a sad way I admit, how many people have lost someone in a family or close to them early on. Sometimes makes you wonder how any of us survive to old age.
Between 18 and 29 or so I didn't play any games except one or two. I had a circle of close friends and weekends were spent going to night clubs or doing day trips. I also lived at the gym (till i was in my early 40's) pretty much and was always doing something physical. For escape I read - probably 2-3 books a week and mostly fantasy. I got back into game as friends slowly moved away and I got into a few dead end long term relationships.
I still read and I still do lots of hiking with the dogs but for escape its more gaming and the online community has helped fill the void of not having any local friends and living alone. While I battle some dark moods I know my life is pretty damn good compared to most so I try to keep perspective.
Lovely images also. :D
Perhaps we have some similarities as what you wrote echoes some of my own thoughts. I also like being in the world and at certain times in my life have been fairly social, although I was always the type to just have a few very close friends versus a large social circle. The down side to that, however, has been that when they move away there is less of them around. I find it very hard making friends at my age especially ones I feel I can relate to and trust. I have lighter friends - neighbors, co-workers - but they are limited in scope and specific to certain interactions. Versus friends who cover a broad range of areas. I do miss having someone to do things with in person. But it is what it is.
I know you are probably in a more isolated area as well so not sure how you deal with that (based on some things you mentioned at AotF on Discord). I was depserate to get out of my rural area growing up but now that I am older I find I like living in a small rural area. Although I am lucky in that I live in a small town on the edge of things but close enough to all the amenities or more city like areas.
Depression is something I have had problems with in the past and I'm glad you found a medium in which you can deal with it in a healthy way. Also thanks for being a big part of the community for such a long time!
I really like the community even with all its quirks and glad I was able to get over my shyness to jump in when I did.
The winter images are a good counterpoint because they give space to your reflection on the path you did with Grim and your other characters that revolve around him.
You have to be proud of what you have done here and my esteem as that of the community towards you is well deserved and necessary.
The reason I had mentioned it is in one of your many great comments on my stories about Grim you remarked how my strong sense of attachment to Grim (and my characters in general) would prevent me from being able to properly write them the way I would need to if I wanted to write on a more serious level. I have always remembered that comment because it is very true. I compare it to Jes who wrote Rathe and was more able to do horrible things to her characters in general. I suffer from an inability to distance myself from a character based off myself even when they grow into their own character/personality.
The reason I had originally included it in this post was because I realized in writing I needed to create characters I wasn't so attached to and had mentioned that you had helped provide this insight to me.I can't say I have gotten any better about that though I do try to keep it in mind. Certainly if I write a book about Wolf ( my character from my real life book) I am going to have to make some distance between him and myself if I want to write him properly.
On a side note I have always seen my own mind as a bit split. There is a very analytical, smart, logical, practical side of me that makes me think more of Spock from Star Trek or a computer AI. This is the part that does well in emergencies, gets me a good job, and gets me through the day to day stuff. It is also the mind that is agnostic and believes in nothing outside of physical science and reality. Then I have this other side that is very emotional, moody, temperamental, and passionate. It wants to believe in magic, fantasy, and looks for meaning in life. The two often clash but both are needed. The disconnected cold part gets me through reality and life and the other helps make it bearable (while also at times being the part that can make it seem unbearable).
Anyhow thanks for all your insights and conversations over the past. You are one friend who has always made me think and see things differently as well as being direct with your feedback (even if I don't always agree with it).
For users like me who produced female characters, the landscape has become somewhat swampy and hazy. Mine should be the chronicle of a prostitute who becomes a heroine, who emancipated from slavery to ascend to divinity, unfortunately the modding and its freedom allowed to create an atmosphere where the exact opposite happens, the heroines enter the scene only to become prostitutes immediately and remain so.
When it was time to change my hardware to adapt to performance requirements, as I had already done once, I stopped. Did it make sense to get into debt, to take better pictures of prostitutes dressed in ridiculous armor with a blurred background? Honestly, no. The only salvation was to reconstitute in your own world and give yourself to the storytelling, this is the way, but for people like me who are not native English speakers, this involves a triple work time compared to what you already complained about. In the end it ends up that you can not even play, also because out of here there is also a life to live offline and a very demanding job.
On the other hand I rediscovered the boardgames that still have such a childish but also profound dimension. Since I discovered Tabletop Simulator on steam, the interest in Skyrim has definitely been reduced. With twenty euros, thanks to modding, you can play thousands of games whose real cost would be unattainable for most people. My hardware handles the program well, it also handles fairly recent video games, I will change it when it breaks. Skyrim modded is now too heavy for my hardware, and too much money is required to adapt the quality of the images to that of other users and the game is now almost unplayable. But above all the purpose, the final product risks not worth the trouble, it does not mean anything. Of course the landscapes are beautiful but they need too much computing power.
What I will do is to comment on the work of the others, but it's been four months since I've done more shots, and it will probably continue like this. It remains the nostalgia for something that here I finally lost. At least for you it was not like that. :)
I also am hoping that the next TES game isn't VR only :p as I have no interest in VR. I worry sometimes about the future of modding in games in general but not much I can do about it so try not to think about it too much.