WELCOME TO SKOOMBAG, YOU DEGENERATES!(I love you all!)

Have you ever spawned in on your lowlife back-stabbing character and thought "man, murder and robbery just aren't enough! I know! I'll essentially cook the Tamriel equivalent of crystal meth!"

You grabbed your Moon Sugar, you grabbed your Nightshade, and...

NO. SKOOMA.

What the fuck, Bethesda? I WANT TO MAKE DRUGS IN SKYRIM!

"Have no fear!" cries a slimy cephalopod, slowly writhing its way to the front of the room.

"Behold, Skoombag!"

This is a very simple mod, and as of right now it has rudimentary features at best. Basically, all Skoombag does is allow you to craft Skooma, Redwater Skooma, Double-Distilled Skooma, and two other variants that have special effects. That's really it.

Q: "But, Squidfest, I went to the Alchemy Station, mixed the ingredients, and NOTHING HAPPENED!"

A: Well, yeah. Alchemy stations are HEAVILY REGULATED by the Imperials, and thus none of that equipment can produce Skooma. However, they overlooked the COOKING STATIONS (because seriously, everyone does. Why make a steak when you can eat 15 wheels of cheese?) of Skyrim.

Q: "Wait, it says I only made 'Unrefined Skooma' when I mixed Moon Sugar and Nightshade! How do I refine it?"

A: Very easily! Add more Moon Sugar if you want plain old Skooma. If you want Redwater Skooma, add a pinch of Vampire Dust. If you want the incredibly potent Dragon Skooma, add Dragon Bone. If you want the crude, poorly made, "basically-just-acetone" Crude Skooma, mix Moon Sugar, Frostbite Venom, and Snowberries. If you want the weak-as-shit Imperial-friendly rehab-drug "Scume", it's three cabbages, two leeks, and a giant's toe. If you want the runny, mostly-toxic Nordic Skjuma (very popular with Stormcloaks), it's ale, Unrefined Skooma, and some other small ingredients.

And if you want Thick Skooma, it's Unrefined Skooma + Cheese.

Q: "Will this mod make Nazeem less of a cunt?"

A: NOTHING will make Nazeem less of a cunt. However, if you're high off your tits on Skooma, you probably won't care.

Q: "Is this mod comp-"

A: Yes. I don't even need to hear what mod you're about to ask about. If there's ingredients and cooking stations still in your world, then yes, this mod will work. AND, any mods that effect the vanilla Skooma will work as well, as this is simply a recipe.

Version 1.1! - Nazeem is still a cunt, but...
I fixed the "Crude Skooma" effect, as well as adding two faction-specific Skooma varieties and Thick Skooma.

What is Thick Skooma?

It's the dairy-enhanced twist on your favorite narcotic! Now with extra cheese!

Version 1.2! - Yes, I'm alive!
Well well well! I bet you all thought your favorite mod author, Squidfest, was dead. Well, I took a brief foray into the world of Fallout 4 modding before I promptly received a cease and desist from some Ukrainian guy I somehow upset with my poor grasp of modding. Fearing the wrath of the Pantsuited Pirate, I went into hiding and ignored making mods altogether, retreating into the totally-not-divided community that is World of Warcraft. *Cough* Mistakes were made. 

But now, after realizing that it has been an inexcusably long time since this mod (which has been my most successful mod BY FAR) received its fair share of updates, and so I've done just that!

This adds THREE new types of Skooma: Altmeri Skooma (for all you highborn Talos-hating snobs out there), Dwemer Skooma (for all you long-dead underground super-intelligent elf-people out there), and Children's Skooma (for the lil' tykes around Skyrim to get hooked on what is essentially cocaine at a very young age).

For the Altmeri Skooma, dissolve one moonstone ingot (not ore, these are High Elves so it must be refined!) in Unrefined Skooma and cook with bay leaves. What's that? You don't have any bay leaves? Why, does this backwards province of mouth-breathing Nordic scum not have- *slap* OW! Okay, then, just the first two.

For Dwemeri Skooma, it's a piece of Dwemer metal and the normal Skooma ingredients. Mazel tov!

For Children's Skooma, it's Children's Shoes (what? Don't look at me, it's the Khajiits who keep coming up with this stuff. I'm just the poor Dunmer who has to relay the fucked-up shit those N'wah cat-gypsies keep cooking up), Unrefined Skooma, and Water.

How do you make water?

Seeing as the population of Skyrim seems to have no understanding of non-alcoholic beverages (I'm certain the Nords water their crops with Honnigbrew Mead), I've had to make do with concocting the closest substitute I can find. At a Cooking Station, mix one Bucket with one Ale and through the vague magic of condensation,  you should get five bottles of water. If you don't, well... then this game is garbage and Todd Howard personally hates every last one of us.

Version 1.3! - Once again I awaken!
That's RIGHT you guys! Squidfest is back in the business! Recently I fell out of love with World of Warcraft as they twisted my race and faction into a vituperative caricature of what they used to represent and I subsequently quit. This lack of an MMO anchor led me to The Elder Scrolls Online, which promised a less egregious set of storyline decisions, the ability to kill dirty Altmer in glorious combat, and an "optional" subscription service that I have stubbornly and obtusely sworn to never buy into. As I was enjoying ESO, I was pulled also back into Skyrim with fresh zeal for being a Dunmer Demigod that would make that s'wit Vivec shit his loincloth in fear, and I didn't think it'd be right to leave you, my dear friends, without some new SKOOMA!

These skoomas are incredibly harmful!

First, we have Dark Brotherhood Skooma: Suicide is Badass! This neat little concoction requires Unrefined Skooma, Jarrin Root, and Moon Sugar. It does not restore stamina; in fact, it just fucking kills you. That's right! It's basically a bleach potion!

But what if I want a slow, painful death? Fear not, for I have added Mortality Skooma: There is no escape but the grave! This requires more than an AVERAGE Jarrin Root. Using a vague metaphor for GMO food, the mad Skooma cooks of Elsweyr have concocted a way to enhance the naturally lethal properties of Jarrin Root to not simply dissolve one's stomach but to trigger a rapid and unstoppable aging process that is GUARANTEED to end your life in less than twenty minutes of ceaseless agony! Simulate the slow and inevitable death that is the curse of being born into this world of entropy and spite! Fun for the whole family!

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE! If you download RIGHT NOW, we'll throw in the ability to turn Nirnroot into Jarrin Root, ABSOLUTELY FREE! That's right, now there's a way to immersively pervert the laws of nature into a new and terrible concoction! Why only poison the Emperor's double? Make Jarrin Root and poison EVERYONE!

Version 1.4! - They have my family please send help
I know you were wondering, "Hey, I wonder what that handsome and funny cephalopod-loving modder Squidfest is doing in quarantine?" The answer, my lovelies, is rapidly going more insane than Sheoggorath after a month-long meth binge in Florida. However, in an act of supreme masochism, I decided to return to Skyrim modding after solving a motherboard issue that the Windows 10 support desk recommended I factory-reset my PC for (it was X-Boost so resetting my PC wouldn't have done anything but delete my games because the issue was a boot setting with the motherboard conflicting with the latest update of Windows "Totally Not Malware" 10) I felt the need to conquer further technological japes and thus I bring you two of my most advanced Skoomas yet!

Spicy Skooma: Balimund held me close in his muscular arms. I looked up at the hairy redhead that had stolen my heart and felt a sublime feeling of belonging. He gently moved his hands down to my- Wait wait no this was the wrong tab to be posting that in! WHOOPS! Ahem... a-anyway, the newest addition is Spicy Skooma which boasts the searing hot flavor of Balimund's sensual embrace Fire Salts! Guaranteed to sear you inside and out! Can you survive Skyrim's spiciest consumable? I doubt it!

Minty Skooma: I sat across the table from Tolfdir, my cheeks stung red by more than the Winterhold snow. His wrinkled foot slid up my thigh, sending chills down my spine. The College meeting was dragging on and scandalously Tolfdir began using his feet to- OH FUCK SHIT FUCK NOT AGAIN GODDAMN IT! I swear I'm straight. Honest. Anyway, the other brand new Skooma is Minty Skooma, as cool and refreshing as a midnight skinny-dipping in the Sea of Ghosts with Tolfdir an Ice Atronach! A dangerous potion, but fun nonetheless.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a rather... special addition to the Arcanaeum to publish...

Version 1.5! - Vacation to the Soul Cairn!

So show of hands, how many of you have actually taken the time to go into Shroud Hearth Burrow around Ivarstead? Okay, a lot more of you than I thought. Huh. Well, shit. That makes my rhetorical question significantly less rhetorical. Anyways, for those of you who were not scared away by Norse superstition and found out that Wyndelius Gatharian was the ghost (who would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids and your swearing mudcrab!), you also found the Philter of the Phantom, a unique potion that makes you look proper spooky for 30 seconds. There is NO OTHER WAY to obtain this potion. None. And it's so cool too! Well, as always, the burden of making Todd Howard's games tolerable falls to me. 

Two new Skoomas hath I wrought, one found on this side of the veil and one in the realm of the Ideal Masters. The first is Ethereal Skooma, which with just a pinch of Ectoplasm makes you more stealthy and gives you the appearance of a ghost for a moderate duration. And for those who truly wish to feel the caress of immortality, there is Soul Skooma, a longer duration at the cost of one Soul Husk and one Black Soul Gem.

Version 1.6! - Get out the Skoom!

You didn't think I was gonna rest on my laurels, did you? You... you did? I mean fair enough, I only update this mod like once a year and it's only ever to add more inane skoomas so I kinda get it. Still... that hurts, man.

Bruised ego aside, I was working on another mod and it called for a leveled list injector. After I did it on this New Vegas mod with striking similarities to Skoombag I figured I'd learn how it worked in Skyrim. Surprise surprise, it's almost identical. Thanks, Bethesda, for recycling the same beat-up engine so hard it makes GoldSource seem fresh and chipper. 

Now you can find various Skoomas from this mod on bandits and anyone who would generally have Skooma in their inventories. That's right! No longer must you specifically be the sole distributor of exotic Skoomas, because now they're leaking out from my game into yours passively! With every shitpost I grow ever more powerful.

And yes, this QoL feature will invariably work its way into most if not all future mods of mine. Enjoy!

Have any ideas/requests/questions?

Let me know! I'd love to expand the wide range of drugs Skyrim's population can enjoy!

For those of you asking for an Oldrim Version:
I have no idea how to make this Oldrim compatible, if anything even needs to be done to do so. This mod is literally just recipes and objects made using Vanilla assets, so it's likely already compatible. If there's some vague hand-wavy process that needs to be done to make it so, please detail it to me or do it yourself and I will graciously bless it with my trademark sarcasm. Feel free to translate, use, or somehow work into one of the disturbingly-prevalent sex mods this site swells with for some reason.