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A Wolf Amongst Rats
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34 comments
It was becoming much to complicated to play Fenn with two personalities. In hindsight I would have done the stories for Fenn in FO4 and Skyrim as his own person from the get-go as an agent of Fenrir. But my original plan was to just play Fenrir himself in the games ... but that posed some other problems considering how powerful he is. In the end I went with him making an avatar, an alter-ego, named Fenn. But then Fenn seemed to develop a life of his own so in the end I split them off. It made things confusing but not much I could do about that - as I wasn't going to limit my game play and future stories because of some past mistakes I made.
I somewhat alternate the two games - about 60% FO4 and 40% Skyrim (rough estimates as so much is based on mood and what I am currently excited about doing). I plan on playing Skyrim this morning for a couple hours and then later it will be FO4.
I do play other games as well - always good to have a break - but none of them are really games you take screen shots of - more old style like Tyranny, Torment, Pillars of Eternity, DDOS, and the like. I also own and sometimes dabble in ESO, Secret World Legends, and Conan Exiles.
But I admit I spend most of my time in FO and Skyrim simply because I like their flexibility and because I can customize it so much.
Also my play time isn't extensive which is why I move so slow. With a full time job, lots of chores, and two large dogs to take care of and do things with I have to limit my time. On the other hand I have no family and live alone so that does give me more time in that regard.
A lot of this came about because of Synths in FO4. How much of a Synth is "them" and how much are the memories they have?
Nick and Danse are two great examples. Both of them were given set identities from the memories of other people. Yet the moment after that they started to become something different. Guided by those memories and impacted for sure ... yet also having to adapt to a new situation. Would the original people, whose memories were copied, have developed the same way? And how much more is the difference when you *know* those memories are someone else - either as Nick or when Danse discovers it?
We can even turn to real life to see this. Take the amnesiac that forgets who they are and soon develops a brand new life ... and then gets the memories back and sometimes has to reconcile two very different people in their own head. Or perhaps a split personality where one of the personalities is aware of the other ... but the other doesn't have a clue. That would be like watching another version of yourself develop.
One thing I find interesting in writing and making characters and playing ... is that often times, completely unconsciously, we reveal things about ourselves. Sure sometimes we are aware of it when we do it. Like making a character to explore some aspect of our personality.
But sometimes it isn't a conscious thing and then you share a story and someone with a different mind sees something you didn't and you realize ... hey that was probably my inner-self coming through as I wrote.
I mean we don't write out of thin air - it has to come from inside of us. All the conscious thoughts we think about to make a story still come from our unconscious. What peculates up the conscious and then gets interpreted is often illuminating.
I also like it when you get into zen writing ... where it just flows out of you in a constant stream as then it is really coming out of your inner mind. Anyhow this story here does show some internal struggles I see with parents and my own desire to somewhat distance myself from that connection. Oh I love my parents ... it isn't that ... its just a part of me that would like that distance. Often our inner selfs also hold truths we may not want to examine consciously.
Lastly there is the basic idea that I like to play myself and how do I get into the world I am playing (from a fantasy perspective - meaning how do I, Jon, get to Skyrim). Do I really want to start over as an infant with new parents? Nah I would prefer to make an avatar and become it. Hence how Fenn is somewhat created from the Earth and Sky and the Blood of the Wolf.
There is definitely a lot of autobiographical but somehow I see my biography mirrored.
thanks for this great story.
That is probably as deep as I need to go for a public post ... but your comment was pretty dead on in many ways.